This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
