dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Randomize
