Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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