i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
where does the pee come out of this thing
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
