i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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