Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
