I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
