i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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