Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
