I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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