When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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