I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
His hands were made for my vagina.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
