I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I love having hate sex.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
