You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
