I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
