Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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