WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
