update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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