I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
