i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
