I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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