where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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