So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
