FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
