when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
