can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
