I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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