Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
