I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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