i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
