five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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