i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
