you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
even my farts smell like vagina
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
