what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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