we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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