I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
