remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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