If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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