he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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