My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
