I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
