Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
