So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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