if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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