3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
