there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
