I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
