i barfeds in our rink
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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