Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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