$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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