You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
